The Dumb Beam Theory

The Dumb Beam Theory was first proposed by Dr. Bartel Sands Flushing of the Pratt Institute in Brooklyn. The initial seminar was given by Dr. Flushing on October 12, 1833 at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. (The BAM building hadn't been built yet, but that's of no importance -- details like that can be left to the pedants; needless to say, there WAS a Brooklyn Academy back then.) Unfortunately, very few records or documents have survived because of the great Clinton Hill fire of 1852 which destroyed several city blocks. However, we have been able to piece together most of the key items.

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The purpose of his research was to understand the reason for unexplainable actions of a stupid nature that were done by reasonably sane persons of an upstanding Victorian nature. Through a 20-year test on patients at the E.L. Vandermuelen Idiot Asylum, he surmised the following:

  1. If you were this typical upstanding citizen, and were involved in a dumb act, it probably was not your fault. He proved statistically that it was generally the fault of a lower class person that was in close proximity to the victim, or of a close relative -- i.e., a Projector of Dumb Beams.

  2. Dumbness was transmitted via sound and pressure waves. These waves would emanate from a dumb person and when they reached normal people would cause them to act stupidly. This sets the case for the dumb person to be the transmitter and the normal person to be the receiver. Once the normal person has become dumb, it is possible for him/her to become a transmitter in turn. If a dumb person is struck with a Dumb Beam, they may become even dumber or, worse, amplify the power of the signal passed on to the next person.

  3. It was proven animals cannot perform stupid acts, although in the last century, as instances of dumbness have been recorded, many cases of pet stupidity have been seen. It may be a factor of pets taking on the character of their owners. Every case of a Pit Bull going berserk and chewing up a child can be traced to an owner who would likely as not do the same thing if allowed by society.

  4. Dumbness is a collective entity and has expanded and contracted over the years. The World War I era was a peak of Dumbness; the Roaring Twenties were surprisingly free of Dumbness, except in Germany. (The carnage of the War was so great that only the hard core of Dumb Beam Projectors, the Generals and Politicians, survived, and didn't have the dominance any longer.) Then of course came the Great Stock Market Crash, when Dumbness reigned supreme again. A new generation of Dumbness. Some researchers into Flushing's theory have posited the possibility that a high incidence of Dumb Beams could be related to sunspot activity, or even Alien influence; more conservative advocates of the theory opine that, No, it's just a factor of the number of Dumb People compared to the number of sensible ones. Judging by recent educational test statistics, the resurgence of Dumbness in the eighties and nineties would seem to bear out the latter. An extremely radical theory has it that it can all be traced to Ronald Reagan, who was a very powerful projector of Dumb Beams.

This page has just been started and will be added to as more research is done on the work of Dr. Bartel Sands Flushing,